I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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