I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
