Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
