How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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