Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
