Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
