I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
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there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
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He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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