Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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