Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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