My sheets look like a crime scene.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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