so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
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I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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