dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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