On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
