Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
