so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You took a bar mat shot.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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