guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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