if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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