he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
