Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
