I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
