Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
