you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
