Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
