the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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