In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
