At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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