Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
