Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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