Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
