There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
