So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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