rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
