guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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