that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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