If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
