I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize