I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
