Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize