He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
