i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
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My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad