ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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