i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
