Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
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I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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