i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
