Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
