I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
