if i can run in heels then i can drive
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
