There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
