Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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