Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you inspire me to be a worse person
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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