in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
