Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
