I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
