Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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