T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
