i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it