i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
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Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me