I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
