My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize