Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
