I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
