Christians are straight up FREAKS
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
