ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize