I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
