The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
