Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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