My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
