is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
