one might say we're banned from that church
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
